Saturday, 4 June 2011

How do I make this enough

It hit me as I was looking out across the city. The sun is rising but there is a fog so the sky tower and the city are wrapped in mist.

What it is that I'm looking for ..

A home

I like where I'm living the two people I live with are great.

Its the unkept promises in other places in my life, I will ring, Yes lets do that, of course, . . .

It is these things that burrow down and hit the place where it hurts it that not being wanted by the things places people that I want.

I don't even know why I want them

but I do

I'm going out for coffee today with some raandom strangers to fill my time.

There seems to be so much time

but then so much time has past and I feel like I am chasing butterflies to try and catch up and ending no where.

If this is all there is how do I make this enough.

I miss someone that doesn't exist.

Early morning thoughts

Its just after 7am in the morning, I'm trying to build up the momentumn to drag my butt to the gym. I haven't been for a week since I am usually at work at this time. I need to find something that drives me. I seem to be without drive at the moment.

I have lived in 3 places in NZ in 6 months. I'm tired and I'm not sure what I want anymore I have been knocked off balance.


I'm restless I can't seem to settle.

Maybe I'm not meant to be here.

My problem is nothing is holding my attention for long. I go from that being out of my comfort zone to being bored out of my brains in a second.

So what do I do?

Currently I'm supposed to be studying for some exams but I can't pick up the momentum. I guess I'm jealous of people that don't want more and are able to settle.

I guess I will stick it out for a few more months and in August take time out and figure out what I want to do next.

Friday, 3 June 2011

To hook up would be a fuck up

Being single has its disadvantages

The big one being the lack of sex

I haven't had sex with another person this year!

Its not the lack of offers

Its whats on offer

I'm a freak - I actually have to like the person rather then like the look of them

Finding my place!

I'm starting to think that I am having mid life crisis's on two year cycles. It was two years ago that I quit my job. It was four years ago that I quit my husband. Now both of these on my part were really good choices to make!!!!

Both of these on the outside looking in were amazing to other people but thats because they were not living them.

My weight is also grouped to how I am feeling - so the fact that I have gained 20 pounds since moving to New Zealand is a good indication to me that I'm not happy!!!! Its funny all I have to do is make a choice that fits and the pounds drop off.

My finances have also been hit by these big life choices but life is not all about money or job or friends or where you live.

So casting my eye back across the last four years;

Its how I define myself that counts.

So Ms FakeBrunette where do you want to be where is your place.

This is my weekend for rambling so I may be writing to myself allot this weekend.

Little miss picky

I am still amused by what has to be the worst pick up line in the world.

"You know there is a shortage of men in Auckland and are you dating!"

He then dug a further hole to say maybe I was a little picky!

He then pulled the lets exchange business cards manuvere, I had to play stupid at this stage and pretend I didn't have any on me even though he had just seen me slip my card to someone who was moving to a new city and was going to work for an interesting company.

I haven't settled here

Sunday, 15 May 2011

change change change

currently living someone elses life. Socialising has turned into networking. I no longer have friends I have associates. Life has become a swap of business cards and gaining that next contract.
Do I miss me I don't know but most days I don't recognise myself.