How does an angel learn to be bad

How do I make this enough

2011-06-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

It hit me as I was looking out across the city. The sun is rising but there is a fog so the sky tower and the city are wrapped in mist.

What it is that I'm looking for ..

A home

I like where I'm living the two people I live with are great.

Its the unkept promises in other places in my life, I will ring, Yes lets do that, of course, . . .

It is these things that burrow down and hit the place where it hurts it that not being wanted by the things places people that I want.

I don't even know why I want them

but I do

I'm going out for coffee today with some raandom strangers to fill my time.

There seems to be so much time

but then so much time has past and I feel like I am chasing butterflies to try and catch up and ending no where.

If this is all there is how do I make this enough.

I miss someone that doesn't exist.

Early morning thoughts

2011-06-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

Its just after 7am in the morning, I'm trying to build up the momentumn to drag my butt to the gym. I haven't been for a week since I am usually at work at this time. I need to find something that drives me. I seem to be without drive at the moment.

I have lived in 3 places in NZ in 6 months. I'm tired and I'm not sure what I want anymore I have been knocked off balance.

Restless

2011-06-04T01:42:00.000-07:00

I'm restless I can't seem to settle.

Maybe I'm not meant to be here.

My problem is nothing is holding my attention for long. I go from that being out of my comfort zone to being bored out of my brains in a second.

So what do I do?

Currently I'm supposed to be studying for some exams but I can't pick up the momentum. I guess I'm jealous of people that don't want more and are able to settle.

I guess I will stick it out for a few more months and in August take time out and figure out what I want to do next.

To hook up would be a fuck up

2011-06-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

Being single has its disadvantages

The big one being the lack of sex

I haven't had sex with another person this year!

Its not the lack of offers

Its whats on offer

I'm a freak - I actually have to like the person rather then like the look of them

Finding my place!

2011-06-03T13:04:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think that I am having mid life crisis's on two year cycles. It was two years ago that I quit my job. It was four years ago that I quit my husband. Now both of these on my part were really good choices to make!!!!

Both of these on the outside looking in were amazing to other people but thats because they were not living them.

My weight is also grouped to how I am feeling - so the fact that I have gained 20 pounds since moving to New Zealand is a good indication to me that I'm not happy!!!! Its funny all I have to do is make a choice that fits and the pounds drop off.

My finances have also been hit by these big life choices but life is not all about money or job or friends or where you live.

So casting my eye back across the last four years;

Its how I define myself that counts.

So Ms FakeBrunette where do you want to be where is your place.

This is my weekend for rambling so I may be writing to myself allot this weekend.

Little miss picky

2011-06-03T01:58:00.000-07:00

I am still amused by what has to be the worst pick up line in the world.

"You know there is a shortage of men in Auckland and are you dating!"

He then dug a further hole to say maybe I was a little picky!

He then pulled the lets exchange business cards manuvere, I had to play stupid at this stage and pretend I didn't have any on me even though he had just seen me slip my card to someone who was moving to a new city and was going to work for an interesting company.

I haven't settled here

change change change

2011-05-15T00:43:00.001-07:00

currently living someone elses life. Socialising has turned into networking. I no longer have friends I have associates. Life has become a swap of business cards and gaining that next contract.
Do I miss me I don't know but most days I don't recognise myself.

Battles

2009-10-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the battle isn't with other people it is with yourself. I can't fight that demon for you, but I can sit and wait till you decide that you are worth my attention.

Sleeping in Bunkbeds

2009-06-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

I have recently spent an abnormal amount of time for a 36 year old woman sleeping in bunkbeds. This weekend was yet another one of those moments.
Myself and 11 other lucky people headed to Cumbria which is above above the lake district and close to the scotish borders on a angle. We stayed in a giant converted barn which could have slept 24 but this time did not need to. We discovered that you could indeed get a supermarket to deliver groceries to a barn that was at the top of a dirt track, that there is always one member of the group that will want to clamber and hang like a chimp from the beams. That you can indeed over fill balloons so that they randomly pop and that one member of the team will display a bit of a rubber fetish.

That the average British man cannot bbq so needs to be directed by myself on how to prepare the bbq and the order of which you should put things on so that they cook.
That a quiz when you are blind drunk is fun and that standing around a camp fire singing like a retard is also amusing

Having a friend trying to barter me in order to gain something quite scary (it was at that point that I decided I was worth more than the average camel)
Now that I am a lady of leisure I am building up the courage to go back to learning to drive lose the weight I gained this year before my ass is international designated as a small country and just generally relax for a few months

Leave the welcome mat out you never quite know when I might be rolling up to your city for a visit

Reports of my death have been grossly exagerated!!

2009-05-29T00:22:00.000-07:00

That has become a catch phase of mine after struggling through rain hail and bizarre bursts of sunshine and scrambling up rock and then bursting into the bunkhouse or B&B
I walked for 36 hours altogether I think.
I managed to walk through a chest infection
I have double blisters and my ankles have disappeared (I am hoping they will resurface tuesday)
So we conquered the west highland way
I'm now going to tidy the house sort a few things out and disappear to Geneva for a long weekend of drink and fine food

goodbye Mr Buttons

2009-05-22T02:36:00.000-07:00

Giving back my special calculator with the big buttons that saw me through many challenge and review meetings is deeply stressfull. After being together for over eight years it is with true sadness that I hand it over
sob!!!!!!
This was a deep and meaningful relationship I will miss clicking his digits

It's the final countdown

2009-05-21T01:07:00.000-07:00

this morning I am clearing my desks and various filing cabinants
sometimes I wish it was as easy to throw away emotions like I am files today

Your rambling - no I'm not I;m sitting

2009-05-18T06:06:00.000-07:00

This is my last week of work before I join the great unwashed, unfortunitly I can't claim unemployment benefit so the government will be saving itsself £50 a week or what ever great amount it is . . .
I am being self indulgant and taking a little time to decide what I want to do with my life so be prepared for pointless posts as I rollercoaster through that period

on a truely down note I know I have reached that chunky chick point as I keep being chatted up turkish men and I keep going home at midnight because I get too bored

Resting

2009-05-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

I took this shot while eating my lunch it is from last weekend. On the 22nd I will be finishing work then we are driving to Glasgow Scotland and walking the west highland way which is 100 miles long we are doing it in 5 days which is pretty foolhardy. Hopefully I will be able to break pace to take a picture or two (we walk at 3.1 miles an hour so you can't take photos).

Those that I Ruv will probably get a text or call when I manage to get a signal (it's remote where we are walking)

One other minor detail - I currently have a sprained ankle but will still be walking

When my heart hurts I can't sleep

2009-05-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

addiction to affection
leads to shards cutting my heart
your bed is too full

Haiku is something that I am dreadful at it is the limit of convayance. Maybe I feel this from being trapped too long in restriction. Most of the time I am alone but tonight I feel lonely. They say supposedly the only person that can hurt you is yourself but currently I am trapped in that rushing sensation of feeling second best even though I'm the only person in the room.

this will be gone in the morning

I never write I never call . . . .

2009-05-14T06:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I have been tardy but it is simply the minor problem of time

Friday - out with R (for a meal then drinks) late home
Saturday - up at 6am to head north to attend to mothership then back with enough time to feed cat change top and head to the movies with the Stu
Sunday - Up early to hike 20 miles then home to pass out on couch and try and figure out where my weekend has gone

But so you all know - Love you long time
x

evolution

2009-05-06T07:48:00.000-07:00

I am leaving work and then hiking 100 miles in mountain terrain in less then 3 weeks after that I don't know . . .

Cyber kissing gate

2009-04-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

we meet half way love
the net joining fingertips
minds thinking of lips

update

2009-04-23T03:04:00.000-07:00

I am taking redundancy
current problem I have is fighting the urge to rush out and imediately get another job
Guess I better write a resume first
though I do have the offer of temping work from a friends agency should I need it

Confused but clear

2009-04-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

Not really sure how I ended up between L and E
in words I am lost
the role of other
I ran from
but love brought me here
for I fell but it doesn't feel like falling more the flutter of wings against checks
see I am confused but clear

Have Cankles!!!!!!!!

2009-04-01T01:13:00.000-07:00

it's the beginning of the end
God is indeed laughing at me
Well he has been laughing at me for quite some time now
but cankles thats just plain mean!!!!!!

They shoot horses don't they?

2009-03-29T23:32:00.000-07:00

Currently lame
after two days of walking (it's like a death march except they get to take breaks)
Highlight being looking up a cliff face knowing we had lost the path and would just have to climb/scamble it
sleet while being on the moors

Luckerly the weather improved and sunday was dales with loads of new born lambs spring everywhere

So.... in agony got a taxi to work

her love haiku

2009-03-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

she fell for him fast
not understanding how or why
he cradles her heart

does this make happiness

2009-03-24T01:49:00.000-07:00

Learn from yesterday
live for today
hope for tomorrow

It was randomly written on something
I am mostly happy at the moment living on my stolen happiness
I don't want it to go away

currently losing the plot!

2009-03-23T02:51:00.001-07:00

Where do I start

The fact that I am work wise breathing through a straw as the work is piled head high at the moment

the fact that I nearly spent 8 hours traveling yesterday

the disturbed sleep from the cat trying to sit on my head to wake me so I would give her a cuddle - it was cold and windy outside she did in the end settle down next to my pillow

or the fact that you make me crazy (sorto in a good way) but not sure if it's at all healthy to want something so much that you can't have

the fact that they were arguing 3 deep round my desk this morning and it wasn't even 8am

getting a five minute breather

and have been told that ladies don't floss their teeth in public ?? go figure

Redundancy

2009-03-20T00:42:00.000-07:00

currently being offered
last time they wouldn't let me go
wondering whether to apply again and jumpm ship in this very shakey economy
all the balls are up in the air
I have nothing to lose really scary huh

should of ran while we could

2009-03-19T03:20:00.000-07:00

too late to pack up
words said now as we both sit
stare at the page love

On a comedy note
BCMan wasn't amused when I said I was busy until easter
snigger
I am walking every weekend

being green - true confession

2009-03-18T00:46:00.000-07:00

publically I am seen as being very enviromental friendly
I walk everywhere
recycle
buy environmentally friendly products
but I must confess
the batteries in my vibrator are not rechargable

feel better for that confession

giggle

thank fk I'm no longer running an Irish bar

2009-03-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

Things to be greatful for huh
Happy Paddies day
you papish . . . . yup I've heard all the insults
giggle

a reply in 17

2009-03-17T00:46:00.000-07:00

by hurting you dear
I am hurting my self too
you are more to me

breaking all my own rules and sperm in a yogurt pot

2009-03-14T00:41:00.000-07:00

I have broken the fundermental rules that I have always stood by.
In biblical terms I am coveting my neighbours ass (well not my neighbours, but you get the picture).
An affair of words

So yes I spend alot of time argueing with myself

I am on a rollercoaster of moods at the moment

On a comedy note my lovelies my close friend had her baby and at the same time offered up her partners sperm to yours truely.
Alas I declined I don't think the world is ready for us creating our own villiage of the dammed with all the children looking the same or . . . . all of us moving into one big house together (big love style) although we could all cope I am very easy to live with apart from the habit of just taking my shoes off . . .

explaination of my head

2009-03-09T04:53:00.000-07:00

wanton words pass
from you to me blush
kissing like falling meteors

2009-03-01T12:58:00.000-08:00

Saturday was spent in the usual ripneck speed where I get up early and get the 7:50am train to thr north to tend to my mothers needs.This means cleaning, dealing with paperwork (several long phonecalls tying to sort things out) grocery shopping and so forth.

My mother is not destined to end up as a motivational speaker on the circuit (I would say he dementia and general madness prevent that)

but she took it to another level

I think telling me that I was single barren and heading foe menopause cheered me up no end. Then when I burst into tears said she didn't mean to upset me. Mums you got to love them

Life took a surreal turn which strangely I am used to but when telling others it all seems a bit mad.

I managed to accidently attend 6pm mass (for those worrying I haven't been to comunion for over a year so when push came to shove took a blessing rather than a sip).

This church I thought was deconcerated as I had never seen it open so when I saw lights and heard the bell ringing, stopped to take a photo only to have the bishop invite me to mass. What was more surreal was that it was a full service with only the bishop the priest and the church warden and me in this vast high church. I found the repitation and chanting of scripture relaxing.

Went to a frienda birthday party having made her a neckless which matched the dress she had bought that day (strange but true).

Walked today only seven miles so feeling guite lazy

Getting used to the fact that this may be it

First day of Lent

2009-02-25T04:44:00.000-08:00

Decided to get in the spirit of things this year and give something up (even though I'm not Catholic)
As we know I'm a little short on vices . . . .some may say I should be taking something up for Lent
So . . .. .
This year I am giving up McKoy's potato chips at 260 calories a bag and the fact that left to my own devices I may consume up to 5 bags
This being down to the fact that if my mouth is full I can't tell people what I'm really thinking

trying to find my limits

2009-02-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

I know what some of my limits are - from the beginning of the year

Physically I continue to look for them I guess the beating heart going wild and trying to push my self further. When others stop through pain I just continue to walk through things putting one foot in front of the other. Today was not hard though, but serously maybe I shouldn't drink and then do these things the rest of the team were in bed before midnight giggle

I have a tendency to walk by myself it gives me a chance to think and just be

I was hit by a memory as we were driving back in the dark - trance music playing . . it reminded me of a late night drive from the south of france to geneva . . I was happy that weekend
I need to make some new happy memories ones not tinged in sadness

One question a day

2009-02-21T10:43:00.000-08:00

I suppose like a cat I like to play with my victims

So I ask the man one question a day

It is his choice then whether to answer it or not

todays question was

Would you let me photograph you?

Of course he replied naked ;)

It made me smile . . . . this week has been dipped in intence sadness for one of our friends eo-per-nex decided to leave us early, but like most of our friendships here we have words passed back and forth like notes in childrens classrooms written quickly but with meaning not always for everyone

This photo is one I took while trying to wrap my head around eo-per-nex's goodbye. It is that last flash of sunset before we are plunged into darkness to await the raising of dawn and a new day

sometimes it feels like it is fading

2009-02-19T11:54:00.000-08:00

Rage against the fading light as the sun dips down
the rush of cold accross our skin
watching shadows play
accross the city
I reach for your hand

but no one is there
I never found you

I turn from the glow and walk away

and some days I bore even myself!!!

2009-02-18T05:18:00.000-08:00

I think I need theropy honestly
What woman in her right mind turns down dinner and no strings sex??

That will be me

Dam my upbringing

Clearing out the crazies

2009-02-16T23:41:00.001-08:00

I'm slowly clearing through them at the moment

they depress the hell out of me

back later

crazies

2009-02-16T00:26:00.000-08:00

to whom it may concern

please can you reframe from handing out maps to all the crazy people telling them where to find me

kind regards
FB
PS. a girl can only handle so many nut jobs in her life at one time

Break point

2009-02-10T10:56:00.000-08:00

when did dating simply become the battle of the sex's
There is more single people then ever before but no one seems to meet the right person
There is of course the most comercial day of the love calender coming up this saturday hope everyone is fully advanced with their plans

There is a high chance I will spend it watching rugby with the girls as the man and I are both in a dead lock and neither of us are standing down

we have thrown our gauntlets down but neither of us will break front line to pick up

I can hear some of you going man? who? where?

there is of course allot going on in my world

I'm a bit dazed and confused and wondering

Too much like hard work!!

2009-02-02T05:49:00.000-08:00

This whole dating thing of course
it feels like I'm being interviewed for a job I don't really want but would make a good career change and some of the benefits seemed ok

Yawn
later . . . . .

Belly Dancing

2009-01-29T23:49:00.000-08:00

hell it as much fun as you can have with your clothes on (well thats legal anyway)

hilerious nothing like been stuck in a room full of crazy woman getting in touch with their inner goddess

I can feel it now you want to see my camel (and I'm not talking about wearing too tight jeans)

As some of you will know I have restarted my social experiment of internet dating sites and am slowly making my way through the unloved uncared for and those that must be on a list somewhere.

It is funny how many guys seem to think this normal dating site is adult friend finder - it that whole I've got wine in my fridge and I want to get to know you better oh and whats your favourite sexual position thing . . . . that makes me laugh

salsa for beginners

2009-01-29T05:39:00.000-08:00

Theres nothing like being trapped in a room (or in this case a bar) where the smell of desperation hangs like jazz aftershave at an eighties disco

I rock up to meet my group of fellow lonely loser people with their fixed smiles and polite conversation, casting an eye of the group I was able to boost my self esteem by realising even though I'm packing a few pounds at the moment (don't panic green peace aren't breaking my door down to save me) that I'm still near the top.

Now I know there will be a few of you saying it's whats on the inside that counts and yes it is but I have found over the years that the average person doesn't really care if your nice if you look like you should be ironing your dresses on a wok.

Now for all you that require a review of salsa and it's fun dancing was great fun but the men . .. . . I'm saving myself for Anne Summers delights
xx

Looking back

2009-01-28T13:22:00.000-08:00

life is messy
sometimes we bury things so deeply in our minds to try and subconciously protect ourselves but like melons on a hot summers days all it needs is a tiny tap for it to all burst open.

I am better than I was I no longer panic and start crying if someone tries to touch me

on a funny note if you ever want to see comedy in motion it is I at a salsa evening

for true entertainment I'm off to a belly dancing class thursday night

I'm out of words alot at the moment

life is like riding a bicycle

2009-01-27T02:17:00.000-08:00

you won't fall off unless you stop pedalling!

Had five hours sleep
entertained myself by logging onto a dating site for an hour (77 hits and twenty emails) nothing like boosting your self confidence . . who cares if most of them looked like escapee's from a horror film
Off to salsa dancing tonight (feck I'm turning into a clique)

me love you long time

giggle

happy New Year

2009-01-25T22:51:00.000-08:00

We are now in the year of the Ox
It is Australia day
so a large percentage of the world has a hangover or are like the troupers they are drinking through the barrier

I'm going to work on my new years reslolutions (just not today)

and get this for being an ass wipe moment

I got a text to my cell on saturday asking me to a gathering from someone I didn't know
Turns out it was Rob trying to trick me into going to something
silly twat

doing my happy dance he is gone today
can we draw a line in the sand over all that mess
we did and yipee he won't be back for six months

searching for the pieces of a broken me

2009-01-25T06:22:00.000-08:00

sleep still runs from me leaving me wondering in this twilight feeling of jetlag
It is the chinese new year to night we are leaving the golden rat
hopefully the new year will reveal more little pieces so I can keep gathering them up and sticking myself back together.
THis sleep deprivation is my mind and body trying to get to a safe place within it's self
The best way to explain it is what is the biggest thing you are scared of
now
imagine locking yourself in a small confined place with it
basically facing your own biggest demons without sharing the secret

full house

2009-01-23T05:41:00.000-08:00

I have Doggyblog and a friend coming to stay this weekend
so the bubbly is on chill
I have a fridge full of girlie food ( I normally eat my own body weight everyday)
and I have to clean a bit and make up the beds
so I will be sleeping on the couch but . . . I don't really sleep at the moment so am doing my villiage of the dammed look at the moment

thought for the day
if turkey ham was created naturually that would be one hell of a light off don't tell anyone moment

intervention required

2009-01-22T13:07:00.000-08:00

back to my original thought
facebook is the work of the devil
I mean where else can you have details of someone you were shagging off the four walls this time last week
posting details that he has a romantic evening planned candles wine doors music on . . . .
I pmed him before I could stop myself
fuuuuuuuuuuck
so guess I'm not alright about this I mean for fuck sake I log on and it shows up how bastard is that

Situations vacant!! please apply within

2009-01-22T05:37:00.000-08:00

THis morning I woke looked in the mirror and laughed at myself
I look a MESS
but hey I'm not proud
Roll on summer I need to get some sun on my ass

moving on swiftly

2009-01-21T22:38:00.000-08:00

ok it was a fortnight of great sex and lies but luckerly theres no video tape kids
and I think theres about 9 moves in a almost one night stand if that helps anyone
oh and my balance has improved snort
I'm going to miss the sex
but I'm not cut out for the lies to me and of course to everyone else
I didn't say . . . .
ooops few big old dirty secrets floating around here folks
it would have made a good sitcom folks

I can't do this

2009-01-21T11:02:00.000-08:00

I can't write about this
you would think that
falling for a big lie wouldn't be that big of a thing
it's not a big thing you think after the rapes and the abuse and everything else nothing would get to me
but this has
so putting on my game face kids

it's finished but how did it start?

2009-01-21T02:43:00.000-08:00

How did this all start
We were just friends after all in the same group of people that knock around and get drunk together
It was just a Sunday - he said he would cook and we would do DVD's I didn't think nothing of it I just presumed that other people would turn up at some time
He's a mate
So I rocked up to his apartment round 12 the hair of the dog was issued while we waited for the meal to finish
He had set the table
We ate chatted randomly
Drinking vodka with a splash of coke for color
Watched the Kingdom my legs slumped over him cat balanced on my chest (animals adore me )
Slung the next DVD on we changed positions as I had a bad back so he suggested I just prop up against him
Things started getting a bit hot and messy
I decided to leave
he is not my typical type
This is the point of descent
still trying to clear my head over all of this

A new year is caste over the city

2009-01-20T11:24:00.000-08:00

New years I choose to spend with new friends I had the choice of old friends but the complexities of going to York would have put me in the same situation I would have been it I hadn't gone to Tristrams last year.

My friend has a apartment in the finance district with an internal courtyard the traditional cream leather furniture which we are all supposed to want now but one of the things that she loves most of all are her pots and pans and a giant house plant. This woman is one of thee most nicest caring people you will ever meet we are slowly building up the links that form with 21st century singletons in their thirties, in a city that is absent of community

We drank and partied till 3am I took photos and a friend took photo's with my camera while I was chatting to people
There seemed to be an unease to the beginning of this new year I put that down to the fact that we were a room of people in flux not settled in the destination of where we all needed to be,

I tried ringing a friend to wish him happy new year but his line was ringing dead

The boy commented on the fact later that most guys that night were trying to look down my top . . .

sigh

this is not quite the beginnings of messiness

but you

Staggering on quickly

2009-01-19T23:52:00.000-08:00

The period between Christmas and new year was me being a good daughter/friend/ bla bla taking brisk walks in the country side visiting resthomes and having really close friends tentively asking if I was ready to meet anyone yet.
I worked over this time to because yet again being nice (it's a disease someone please send me a cure ) I worked so my co-workers could spend time with loved ones.
I'm trying to skip through things fast to get to new year
2009
How Lemontov is really my agoney aunt (yes I know I need to get out and get laid ) how it needs to be - you don't need to like them you just need to like the look of them.
Anyway - There is a car crash fortnight coming up which I'm not proud of but it is funny in a tragic way

It was the day before Christmas

2009-01-19T11:44:00.000-08:00

I'm going to pick up almost where I dropped off, give or take a few days.

We all reach certain milestones in our lives I turned 36 on Christmas eve and I felt like I was kissing so many things goodbye

I woke to emails and cards and presents just the cat and me in an empty nest, a sense of calm washing over me as for a few hours I had time to myself where I was not putting other peoples needs and wants first.

Yoko and I snuggling I thought about my life and realised that it will probably just be me, that it is unlikely I will have children or that happy picket fence

But . . .

Least I am safe, I no longer wake pinned by my throat by someone who loved me but had so many demons

that the only dismissive words I hear now are my own

no longer locked away

I am a very good godmother

Hi Honey I'm home

2009-01-19T05:17:00.000-08:00

It's a new year
I'm back
and when you are all sitting comfortabably I will begin